Not much has been happening. On the surface, at least. Each day is just rolling by, with the hope tomorrow shows its hand. Part of me is content with this inertia, but deep within, stirrings are churning. That means I am seeking change
Truth is, I know I need change to grow, and as my developmental delays are still playing catch up in their own good time, the only way I will bring me up to speed is to actively seek change. I prefer to meet it half way. Less chance I will be surprised and derailed. I am keenly aware of my areas of growth required – physical coordination of finer motor skills (got gross skills under some control), emotional regulation in close relationships (friends and romantic) and forward financial planning (I never expected to be alive after 40!).
I know that learning the piano or guitar and having dance lessons would help with motor skills. As for emotional regulation, I am freaking scared and I may need life to nudge me a bit. Financial planning for old age is really reliant upon me opening myself to a different money mindset. That one will require more specialised assistance. The idea of buying a home…. Oh yea gods.
I get little glimpses of how I’d like the next 5 yrs to be, but I KNOW I am unable to stick to an image from my imagination. I assume life knows better than I do. And it generally does.
I say I want the next 45yrs to be different and at the behest of my direction. But I have to admit I have nothing more than a vague notion I need to change/grow/develop. What I tend to do is invite life to present me with my next lesson. That way, I know I am supposed to get some outcome from the challenge. I need outcomes to know I am doing ok and I am on track.
Sorry to anyone who knows me in real life. I am not really up for communication right now. I know the months of April and May I was a royal pain. It has left me ashamed of my energy spikes and it took me to my inner cave to decompress. I’ll be out soon as I have made a pact with life. We are still at the sketches on paper stage.
It is fascinating how things change in middle life. My needs are so different to my needs at 15, then 25, at 40 even. I guess I should be proud to realise I even have needs. Never occured to me til 7 years ago. See? Very slow in some aspects of life. Ha!
Until I have a clearer path present itself, I shall quietly walk the path of now. My Spidey senses tell me change isn’t far away and it’ll be a life affirming one that brings comfort. I told life I cannot stomach more drama, debacle and hurt. I have lived my share. I require kinder, more gentle lessons. Let’s see if life can meet me half way.