All of a sudden…

I’ve noticed I am petfectly ok with being autistic. I have been seeking this inner peace for so long. I finally have it. It does not mean life is by any means perfect, but I am quite at ease with  being me. It has happened of its own accord quite suddenly.

Who’d have imagined I’d have one word instill me with a restfulness that I have been dreaming of? And it feels liberating. I am what I am. The horrid self talk has died down a lot. I don’t expect myself to fit in – at all even. I can breathe, listen to the birds, enjoy my coffee and feel there is a tomorrow worth staying here for.

A lot has to do with a change in management at work. It makes a huge difference to have a calm manager who sees the big picture and to assure me all is ok.

I’ve noticed I am more autistic than ever. I slur my words more than usual, I bump into things a few meters away, I don’t force eye contact (yuck!😨), I flit from topic to topic, I laugh alone about things I remember, I am silent most days, I tend to avoid Facebook, I am more besotted than ever with perfume, I listen to physics podcasts every night, I eat the same foods for weeks on end, my hair is an absolute mess, I enter my brain and look absent more often, I rock and squeeze my muscles, I clench my jaw and grind my teeth in repetitive patterns, I collect Darth Vader items (pragmatic things like cups, keyrings, notebooks etc), I daydream about being Darth Vader (semi kidding), I still dream of owning my own COMPLETE Pantone card collection and I go slack jaw over the new Ford Mustangs as I see one.

If you were to meet me, you’d see a very immature child-woman. I have a reasonably muscled, but lean body, an increasingly grey mop of hair, dark bags under my eyes and a half asleep look that I didn’t know I had til just a few years ago. I seem quite teen like, in that I am still very mobile and I dress in tomboyish clothes. But I can also be a cranky, bland middle aged lady. I rarely come across as someone like Julianne Moore or Monica Belucci – women around my age. I am the weird one making faces in the corner of a group photo. And this is now ok. I am ok.




Author: kaptionthisblog

A 40 something mum of two, all of whom have autism and love ice cream.

One thought on “All of a sudden…”

  1. There’s a lot to be said for being content with who you are. Unfortunately, I’m not there yet because I’m still shut out of my dream career due to my diagnosis but I’ve learned to accept certain things about me that are a little off-kilter.

    I still have some teen-like stuff; I’m still very mobile and active and I drink probably more than I should. I also get the whole blurring gender lines with my dress. I’m a guy but I wear short shorts (which apparently isn’t too strange Down Under so I’m sure you’re used to seeing that anyway) due to sensory processing reasons (very hot blooded) and don’t give a damn what anyone thinks about it. I’m also rather solitary and prefer to do things by myself and can’t stand small talk.

    My manager at work is an overbearing pain-in-the-ass and I dread work, but hope​fully I’ll own my own business soon and that will be a non-issue and I can have a somewhat easier life.

    Anyway, I have made great strides on self-acceptance but I’ve still got a long way to go.

    Liked by 3 people

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