I’ve noticed I am petfectly ok with being autistic. I have been seeking this inner peace for so long. I finally have it. It does not mean life is by any means perfect, but I am quite at ease with being me. It has happened of its own accord quite suddenly.
Who’d have imagined I’d have one word instill me with a restfulness that I have been dreaming of? And it feels liberating. I am what I am. The horrid self talk has died down a lot. I don’t expect myself to fit in – at all even. I can breathe, listen to the birds, enjoy my coffee and feel there is a tomorrow worth staying here for.
A lot has to do with a change in management at work. It makes a huge difference to have a calm manager who sees the big picture and to assure me all is ok.
I’ve noticed I am more autistic than ever. I slur my words more than usual, I bump into things a few meters away, I don’t force eye contact (yuck!😨), I flit from topic to topic, I laugh alone about things I remember, I am silent most days, I tend to avoid Facebook, I am more besotted than ever with perfume, I listen to physics podcasts every night, I eat the same foods for weeks on end, my hair is an absolute mess, I enter my brain and look absent more often, I rock and squeeze my muscles, I clench my jaw and grind my teeth in repetitive patterns, I collect Darth Vader items (pragmatic things like cups, keyrings, notebooks etc), I daydream about being Darth Vader (semi kidding), I still dream of owning my own COMPLETE Pantone card collection and I go slack jaw over the new Ford Mustangs as I see one.
If you were to meet me, you’d see a very immature child-woman. I have a reasonably muscled, but lean body, an increasingly grey mop of hair, dark bags under my eyes and a half asleep look that I didn’t know I had til just a few years ago. I seem quite teen like, in that I am still very mobile and I dress in tomboyish clothes. But I can also be a cranky, bland middle aged lady. I rarely come across as someone like Julianne Moore or Monica Belucci – women around my age. I am the weird one making faces in the corner of a group photo. And this is now ok. I am ok.