Alas, this is not an upbeat sort of post. More a wistful, contemplative type post.
As I’ve mentioned briefly, my autism involves an inability to know of my presence in the world. I literally have to ask and be told about myself. I know facts about what I am, such as my height, weight, eye colour and the like, but I know nothing about how I am received by others, what I look like in relation to others, or what I do well at.
I’ve always done what I enjoy, though my academic career happened because I thought I was good at understanding theory, had a razor sharp mind and I could write a decent thesis. I was told by others that what I did so naturally was fantastic. I am not so sure.
My marks by the end of my BA and Hons years were indicative of my talent for socio cultural anthropology, but I suspect I simply cracked the code for writing what supervisors wanted to hear. I know I had an uncanny ability to read Foucault half asleep and paraphrase what I read. But I STILL cannot understand anything Homi Bhabha writes. *shame face*
I don’t actually have any of the things some have said I have. I appear to have them. Truth be known, I don’t do anything other than because I enjoy it, or it is duty for my children and mother. I don’t do things because I am good at them. I tried, as a teen and into my 20s, to do things to find out what I was good at, but I ended up hating what I did. I discovered in my late 20s/early 30s to follow my heart and not my brain. I now know why I do not trust my brain; it simply has no idea.
Anyway, all this is to set the scene. I would like to be known as being amazing for something. Something I find meaningful. Something that aligns with my ethics, morals, values, interests and my need to leave a noted mark of my presence here. It does not require I amass a fortune or fame. Just to have others say “Aren’t you amazing?!” about something I do.
I don’t want it for an ego boost, to flaunt my abilities over others, but to know what it is like to feel I am giving something of value to another. And have it appreciated. And to let me know what it is I can do right.
I have to gauge myself in not being told off. If I am not causing upset, offense or creating mistakes, then I must be ok at things. But that isnt’t enough. I’d LOVE to know what I great at; to find my amazing. I am just not told. I’ve only been told during my PhD years that I was known for my razor sharp mind. It sure didn’t feel to me I did anything remotely worth mentioning, yet about 5 people said it.
Right now, my brain is mush. I haven’t fully recovered from pregnancy, breast feeding, moving overseas and back, doing body building comps, working at a physically demanding job, haemophilia, family break ups and our diagnoses. It has been an ongoing drain of energy since 2001. I am not sure I’ll ever have the energy to be razor sharp ever again. So, how else can I find my amazing?
This autistic black duck is a jack of all trades. I am most certainly a master of none. Am I that bland a person? That invisible?
What is your amazing? (And Ms Wave, we all know yours, so you require no comment. 😂)